When I was pregnant I was pretty hormonal, and a lot of times I would say to Tim, “it won’t just be the two of us much longer.” There would be times we’d be sitting on the couch or getting something to eat or watching tv in bed and I wanted to cherish every last minute of our us time. Sometimes I’d even get misty eyed at the thought that it wouldn’t be just us anymore. It wasn’t that I wasn’t excited for a baby; it was just that I had heard so many people say that your marriage changes, and I didn’t know what to expect.
Olivia will be four months old on Saturday, and in looking back on the time, I can say that it is absolutely true that having a baby changes your marriage; that said, a lot of the changes that we have experienced have been good. Of course not all, but many, are changes that I have welcomed and didn’t realize would happen until they happened.
How Having a Baby Changes Your Marriage
You work as a team.
Tim took six weeks off of work when Olivia was born, so the first six weeks we learned to parent together. I will say that it made for a hard adjustment for me later, but in those first six weeks I was so thankful for the partnership. Tim would change a lot of the diapers, help me when Olivia needed feeding, share bath time duties, and more. Because we were both new to this together and had the time to learn how to be mom and dad, it was nice to look to the partner that I had before Olivia and know that I could truly count on him. Where one of us fell short, the other one of us picked up the pieces.
My favorite story of us working as a team is so funny, because it’s also so evident that we were very new parents. Olivia hates getting out of the bath tub and basically screams until she’s fully clothed and eating post-bath. In the early days we didn’t understand why she was screaming, and we tried a lot of different things to try to help her. One night after she was fully clothed I suggested that we read to her. Mind you, she was still screaming. But, being the team that we were, Tim sat down in the rocker and rocked her while I held the book and he read. She continued crying. In the moment we really thought it might work, but I can now look back on it and laugh (as I often do) and know that we were trying what we could together.
You love your husband in a new way.
Tim and I met in 2008 and after our first date went on another date every night after that for the first month, I think. I have loved him for a very long time, and as I have taken on running and triathlons and he has been my partner through it all, the love only grew. I loved him and was so proud of him when he finished his MBA, and I stuck by him through long work days that led to long nights of school work for the years it took him to finish it. We’ve always been in things together. But having a baby changes the love.
I now love Tim as my husband but also as Olivia’s dad. It’s hard to explain, but seeing him hold her and talk to her and tell her how much he missed her each day brings me so much joy. Seeing how careful he is when he picks her up and how she smiles at him when he comes home makes the love that I thought I knew only that much deeper. I think the love is deeper because I know that he loves Olivia as much as I do, and that mutual love for our daughter is something that only we share. I know that we are in this together.
The time that you have for each other is different.
For the first few weeks of Olivia’s life, we literally had no time as just the two of us. Olivia went to bed when we went to bed, and she slept in our room. You don’t realize how much you need time with your spouse until you have it again once you haven’t in a while. The first nights we started putting Olivia to bed earlier and coming down to watch tv were refreshing. There was a renewed sense of “just the two of us” when we spent those first nights on the couch watching tv. And truthfully, we didn’t have the energy for tons of conversation, but to watch tv and make small talk with my husband was a great reminder that we really will always have each other.
The time that you have with your spouse is much less frequent, and you have to fight for it to make it happen. You also have to put off any mom guilt that you may have when you’re taking some time to be with your husband.
You argue differently.
Of course the changes aren’t all love filled rainbows. Tim and I are not a couple that can boast that we never argued. We used to argue about things before we had Olivia, but they were healthy arguments over mostly silly things that we were able to get over in due time. We now argue about different things but also in a different way. The arguments that we have now spur mostly from exhaustion. We have had quick painless exchanges of words at 2:00 in the morning that one or the other of us won’t remember when we wake up. It’s usually about how many times Olivia has been up and why one or the other of us is talking in a certain volume or tone of voice.
Alternatively, when we have arguments during the day time, we get over them much more quickly when we are reminded of our parenting responsibilities. It’s hard to hold a grudge or be angry when you’re giving your baby a bath, and it’s impossible to argue while sitting on the floor watching your baby do tummy time. I’m not saying that everything is perfect, but I’m saying we can file it away until another time. It’s just different than before we had a baby that we spend all of our time talking to and playing with.
It’s all worth it.
Of course it’s all worth it. Having a baby is the hardest thing but the best thing I’ve ever experienced. There are times I look at Tim with the most loving eyes as he holds our girl and times I look at him with exhausted and frustrated eyes at 4 am when Olivia is up for the fourth time in a night. Our marriage will never be the same as it was before having Olivia, and that’s okay. We’ll make time for ourselves and will cherish the family of three that we have now created. It continues to add to the adage that having a baby is the hardest thing but the best thing in the world.
How did having a baby change your marriage?
I so agree! I was so afraid that my marriage would change for the worst, because that is what everyone told me. But it has strengthened my marriage!
Beautiful post Meghan! You are absolutely right. Those first few weeks where we were able to stay awake and relax past baby’s bed time were blissful.
Sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with your husband. Such a beautiful family you have. Congrats!
Love this post. Children take marriage to a new dimension, but if we can experience everything together and still make time for one another, the journey is worth all the bumps – good and bad.
Raising a baby is tough, but you have what it takes. Please remember LOVE is an active verb, not a feeling. Sometimes you will not be feeling the love, but that’s the way it is when you have rapidly expanding responsibilities and no sleep. Continue to do all the things that show love–helping one another, saying the kind words, being there for each other. Love DOES change as it matures.–Married 42 years with five children.
I totally agree with you on all fronts! I think the exhausted moments are fleeting and can make you snap over such little things. I love the pictures of your beautiful family.
Oh my that’s awesome that Tim was able to stay at home with you for 6 weeks! Jordan had to go back on the third day, which was hard. It is definitely hard learning how to parent together, but it’s nice to have someone on your side like you said. Those late nights are hard and we fight too, but I can tell we are getting better at keeping calm which is a good thing!
This post made me feel SO much better. My husband and I will be married a year in May and might start trying for a baby sometime in year two of our marriage. I have been so nervous about “losing” my husband because it won’t be the two of us anymore. He’ll have someone else to love and so will I. But knowing that most of the changes are for the better, makes me feel a lot more positive about trying for a baby in the future!
xoxo, SS
The Southern Stylista
I would say having a baby changed my marriage a lot. The biggest is how we spend our time. We end up “splitting shifts” a lot to get time for ourselves and we have to be very aware of making time for each other. Which is hard to do when you’re both exhausted!
Great post! I loved hearing more about your relationship with Tim. Having a baby has changed my relationship with my husband is many of the same ways, some better and some not as fun! But every time we have a date night just the two of us it gives us a good reminder of why we fell in love.
Thanks Nicole. Yeah, we haven’t actually gone on a true date night since Olivia was born. It’s my fault, but I just wasn’t at a point of being ready to leave her. I know it’s a huge mistake, but even when my mom was here last month I still didn’t want to go off at night. She gets really fussy at night and not a lot calms her besides eating or us playing with her. I know she’ll grow out of it as she gets older.
There are many good changes, but there are definite dificulties. For me and my friends, the feeling of being “touched out” taking care of the baby, and having very little left for our husbands (who were ready to get back to bow-chicka-bow-wow as soon as we got the 6 week all clear) was prevalent. I loved this book after giving birth. I think parts of it very much captured the not so great changes. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000N0WTOC/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1
Oh my. How could I have forgotten to mention the being sick of being touched thing. That’s very true! I read someone else’s post on the topic and she mentioned that husbands must lose their vision after having a baby, because I know for sure that things look very different around here. Thanks for the book recommendation!!
Yes to all of the above! Especially how it changes the way I love my husband. My heart still melts when I see him with our daughter. There’s just something about a daddy + his daughter 🙂
Yes, the daddy daughter bond is something fierce! I love seeing him love on her and seeing her face in response.
My husband and I were married for 6 years (but together for 12!) before our son came along. We did get married fairly young and I wanted to be married for a few years to just be us. It was different adding a little one to the mix and I too had those same feelings you felt. One of my favorite things is seeing the relationship with my husband and son. I know it will only get better! You are so right about the arguing. Ours comes down to losing patience so often I have to take a deep breath and think about why I am getting upset.
Wow! I didn’t realize you all had been married for 6 years when you had him! That’s great! Yup, the arguing and patience losing is hard. You’re smart to think about why you’re getting upset. Sometimes we get far enough into an argument that when I think back I realize that I really don’t know what it is I got upset about in the first place.
I can relate to so much of this and have experienced similar changes with my husband. There are definitely positive changes and then those that I struggle with from time to time. Thank you for being real, open, and honest.
I think most people are so afraid to talk about the negative marriage changes that come with having a baby aside from, “it’s hard on your marriage.” I haven’t shared all the details of course, but I really do think so many people argue with their spouses and don’t talk about it. I’m certain that, just like having a newborn is a struggle, figuring out your relationship with your spouse is also tough during this time.